This is Part II of a four part entry with me ranking each team, recalling my preseason projections, assessing where each team is now, grading my preseason assessment, and characterizing every team as someone or something from either pop culture or my life. Rankings were made after Week 6. Please Enjoy.
Part II is dedicated to Sober Alex.
24. Seattle Seahawks
What I Thought: Seattle would improve from last year and make the most of their weak division. The offense would make strides from last year’s down season, but the defense would be pretty mediocre. I expected the Seahawks to win one, maybe two games on the road all season.
What I Think: The Seahawks have a complete offense but a minimal defense. They may end up being good enough to win the NFC West, but they are by no means a good football team. Don’t let the games like the Jacksonville game fool you. Jim Mora Jr. has work to do to ensure Seattle shows up to play every week, not just at home.
Alisberg Evaluation: B
Who are they? Billy Madison, Billy Madison. Incredibly comfortable on their own turf, the Seahawks’ struggles multiply when they have to adapt to a new environment. Just like it took Billy a long time to fit in with the new high school crowd, Seattle has trouble outside the needle. Also, I’m sure Jim Mora Jr. has made plenty of statements to make everyone in the locker room dumber.
23. Miami Dolphins
What I Thought: Miami’s lack of talent would catch up to them. Chad Pennington would become Chad Pennington again. The Dolphins’ coaching staff could outfox other weak teams and pick up a couple games. Otherwise, the Dolphins season would come down almost entirely to turnover differential.
What I Think: Ronnie Brown doesn’t get his due. He’s a very good running back. Throw in Ricky Williams and a very impressive Chad Henne and the Dolphins are all of the sudden a pretty competitive team. The Dolphins have some talent on both sides of the ball, more than for what I gave them credit preseason- but they are not a contender. They don’t have a shot to come back from a multiple score defecit late in the game.
Alisberg Evaluation: C+
Who are they? Kevin McAllister, Home Alone, Home Alone 2. The Dolphins find themselves outmatched but somehow come up with creative ways to make the other team look like they don’t belong. The Dolphins make the most with what they have, on both sides of the ball.
22. Buffalo Bills
What I Thought: Defensively, the Bills were good enough to allow them compete with anybody in the league. Additionally, the addition of Terrell Owens would finally give the Buffalo offense the spark it needed to become a good team that could compete with the Patriots and pick up a double digit of wins against the spread.
What I Think: The Bills have been crippled by a weak offensive line, injuries, suspensions, and Dick Jauron. Their defense is good enough for them to compete on any day. It’s on their offense now. Don’t look now, but the sometimes pathetic Buffalo Bills are game against Houston at their worst from being .500 at the halfway point.
Alisberg Evaluation: C
Who Are They? Happy Gilmore, Happy Gilmore. The last Adam Sandler reference. I promise. Buffalo has a lot of potential to become one of the more explosive offenses with a stingy defense too, but Happy didn’t win on his natural long drive- he had to learn how to putt. Surprisingly, Buffalo has only won one game (Week 2 vs. Tampa) in the manner that I expected them to win this year. Buffalo needs a quarterback. We saw how much better Cincinnati got by upgrading from Fitzpatrick to Palmer. Had Buffalo gone out this offseason and picked up Jeff Garcia, they’d be a playoff team.
21. Jacksonville Jaguars
What I thought: Jacksonville underperformed last season considering their talent. The defense has fallen a long way since Henderson and Stroud dominated the middle. David Garrard and Maurice Jones-Drew are both very good at their positions but not quite good enough to make Jacksonville competitive the whole season. They would be able to give any team a run for their money, but still finish around 7-9.
What I think: The 3-3 Jaguars are as inconsistent a team as the NFL has this year. The most consistent part of the 2009 is unquestionably their inconsistency. Garrard has the potential to create problems for the defense on every down. The Jags have been killed by their holes at the Wide Receiver position but have still managed to give the Colts their toughest game of the year (so far), in Indy. It does seem, however, that Jack Del Rio will not coach this team in 2010.
Alisberg Evaluation: A-
Who are they: Nikki/Jessica Sanders, Heroes. Against Seattle, Jacksonville was the overwhelmed single mother who couldn’t make anything happen. In intradivision games, they’ve been as dangerous as anybody. To me, it seems that Jacksonville shows up to play only when in games in which they really want to make a statement, against a rival they know well. That’s the sign of a coach who has lost his team.
20. Arizona Cardinals
What I thought: A team coming off a 3-7 regular season outside of their division was stuck with the combined red flags of coming off a Super Bowl losing season, half of the Madden cover, and an incomplete team whose strength relied on the arm of an overrated, 38 year old arm. Wow. Still, I felt the Cardinals had enough playmakers to stay competitive in the three horse race for the NFC West, through I picked San Francisco to win it.
What I think: Since Ken Whisenhunt was hired, no coach has done more with the talent he has been given. That said, the Cardinals have been given a few Christmas presents a little early this year, from the Jaguars, one half of the Texans game, the Seahawks, and even the Giants. Even at 4-2, the Cardinals have yet to dazzle me this season. That being said, they have the playmaking ability on offense to compete with anybody with a few breaks here and there.
Alisberg Evaluation: B
Clarice Starling, Hannibal. Some people expected great things from a team coming right off a very successful season in which they just fell short at the end. In The Silence of the Lambs, Clarice Starling was by no means a spectacular agent, but rather Dr. Hannibal Lector’s fascination with her gave her an advantage in solving a very high profile case. Starling was no better of an agent than her colleagues, never-the-less, she was able to get a lot done.
19. San Francisco 49ers
What I thought: The 49ers rebuilding efforts were finally ready to come to fruition this season, on the shoulders of their defense, which would turn heads. I figured the 49ers would win the NFC West, going at least 4-2, probably 5-1 or maybe even 6-0 in the division. Still, the NFC West is so bad that the 49ers would only win a handful of games outside the division and win the division at 9-7 or worse. At 3-0, I thought the 49ers would fade back to the pack.
What I think? The 49ers were the worst 3-0 team this season. Since then, they’ve faded to a 3-3 record. Still, they are far from done. The Alex Smith to Michael Crabtree combination is about to make San Francisco dangerous on both sides of the ball. It has been a long time since anyone could say that about this franchise. This will probably be the worst team to make the playoffs, but they are getting better.
Alisberg Evaluation: A
Who are they? Fawkes, Harry Potter. Introduced as a magnificent creature, the 49ers died in a way as they’ve lost their lead in the NFC West and fallen back to .500. Now, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, we are about to see their rebirth. I seriously can’t say enough about the reinsertion of Alex Smith, now that he has a deep threat and the Vernon Davis we all expected to see years ago. Smith is not a bust yet by my evaluation. This is his first opportunity to lead a good offense. I love San Francisco as the hands-down NFC West favorite down the stretch.
18. Carolina Panthers
What I thought: The Panthers were going to continue the trend of one-and-done winners of the NFC South. When Carolina’s running game is effective, they’d be a very dangerous offense. Defensively, they’d take a step back from the 2008 season that ended in a first round bye and second round defeat. The Panthers would finish as a fringe team, maybe 9-7.
What I think: The Panthers had some very tough games to open the season, against Philly and on the road in Atlanta and Dallas. They still have a handful of tough games: against New England, both “New York” teams, Atlanta, two against New Orleans, and Minnesota. This is not a schedule that leads to a successful season. Carolina will be one of the best 8-8 teams ever if they can reach the .500 mark on the season. John Fox may be better off in a new environment after this year. He can still coach, but he’s losing the team. As for Jake Delhomme? Well, bear with me one second.
Alisberg Evaluation: C
Who are they? Sober Alex. My college buddy. This one takes a little more of an explanation. Last year, Sober Alex came to school with an on-and-off girlfriend who made it virtually impossible for him to have any relationship on campus. Naturally, this made him all the more appealing to one girl in particular, for the sake of anonymity, let’s call her J.D. Last year, Sober Alex kind of had a thing for her, but his insistence on fidelity and behaving like a classy boyfriend stopped anything from really happening. Fast forward to this year: Sober Alex’s relationship has ended and J.D. is still single- only here’s the thing, she had put on weight, become a royal pain in the ass so much so that her own friends abandoned her, soiled a car coming back from Sean Kingston, and fooled around with a list of guys that’s probably longer than the average Oakland Raiders third and long. J.D. had reached, “hmmm, nobody is coming through tonight… booty call? Wait, what am I thinking? Hell no” territory. Ok, let’s rewind.
Back in the summer of 2003, two years removed from a miserable 1-15 season, I predicted to a bunch of camp buddies who also love football that the Panthers would be very competitive and specifically that they would upset the defending Super Bowl Champions, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, on the road, in Tampa on Week 2. On the first week of the season, an ineffective Rodney Peete was replaced by a virtual no-name in Jake Delhomme who took the Panthers to a comeback win over the Jacksonville Jaguars. The Panthers cruised to a 5-0 start and never looked back, not until losing in the Super Bowl while managing to cover the spread in one of the greatest gambling moments of my life. Fast-forward back to today.
The Carolina Panthers view quarterback Jake Delhomme in the same way that Sober Alex views “J.D.” Purely because of a close call a while back, the Panthers are convinced that their J.D. can take them to the promised land. Delhomme can lead the NFL in interceptions per game and interceptions returned for touchdowns per game, two categories in which JaMarcus Russell is also eligible, and still keep the support of his franchise. It makes no sense, it only spells disaster, and it frustrates the people who care about the franchise to no end. What’s so disconcerting, is it seems that thirty teams in the league would classify Delhomme as, “hmmm, we can’t find anyone else to lead our team… should we grab this guy? Wait, what am I thinking? Hell no, sorry I brought that up.” The parallels to Sober Alex are unmistakable. The Panthers need a slap in the face and someone to yell at them, “DON’T KEEP STARTING JAKE DELHOMME.” (and don’t take him out to Starbucks either).
17. New York Jets
What I thought: The Jets were a very similar team from last year with a small defensive upgrade, a big head coach upgrade, and a tremendous quarterback downgrade. They would struggle in a much deeper AFC East and ultimately finish around 6-10 before adding a playmaker on offense and challenging the Patriots for the AFC East in 2010.
What I think: The Jets came out flying with two wins over playoff teams but have struggled against mediocrity. I loved everything about the Braylon Edwards trade; it will do for Jerricho Cotchery and the Jets what the Terrell Owens signing was supposed to do for Lee Evans and the Bills. The Jets have faltered until they righted the ship against Buffalo. They can play to anybody’s level in the league.
Alisberg Evaluation: C- (would have predicted better things had I known they’d trade for Edwards)
Who are they? Christopher Moltisanti, The Sopranos. Those who know me should first give me credit for assessing 15 teams without resorting to a Sopranos reference, but how else can you describe the team in North Jersey that has consistently let mental errors get in the way of success. They need a better quarterback to win this season but will be a force in the AFC for years to come- as long as they can avoid Pink Floyd and teenage girls out after dark.
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