This is Part I of a four part entry with me ranking each team, recalling my preseason projections, assessing where each team is now, grading my preseason assessment, and characterizing every team as someone or something from either pop culture or my life. Please Enjoy.
32. St. Louis Rams
What I Thought: The Rams are a one man show on offense with a very good running back in Steven Jackson. Defensively, Steve Spagnuolo would take a few weeks (or months) to put together a decent defense.
What I Think: Spags is doing really well, but the Rams are garbage. Kyle Boller is an eight on the shaky scale. Marc Bulger is just plain ineffective. The Rams can salvage something from the season if they can win a couple games. They will. Given how bad this team is, anything better than 0-16 is somewhat a success.
Who are they? Fat kid Drew Barrymore dances with in Wedding Singer. Really don’t have anything going for them.
Alisberg Evaluation: A-
31. Cleveland Browns
What I Thought: Eric Mangini would have first year luck and make the Browns pretty competitive in their division, despite projecting them to be the worst team in it. I projected the Browns to finish around 7-9.
What I Think: The Browns can’t run the ball. They can’t throw the ball. They can’t stop the run. They can’t stop the pass. The best chance the Browns have of winning a game this season is if they can find a way to consistently allow field goals so they can give Josh Cribbs more chances to run the ball back all the way. The success of this year’s Browns season will be determined by the number of draft picks they can stockpile for next year.
Alisberg Evaluation: C
Who are they? Bilo Sagdayev. Borat’s retarded brother. The Browns are nothing more than the butt of insulting jokes this year. They’re better off not showing up.
30. Kansas City Chiefs
What I Thought: The Chiefs would make strides now that they have a coach who knows how to use the Internet. Still, the Chiefs would flounder with Matt Cassel behind a patchwork offensive line and only one talented offensive weapon left to finish fourth in the second worst division in football.
What I Think: The Chiefs are the worst team in football that play the sport anything like it’s supposed to be played. Their offense is based on their success running the ball, as limited as that success is. Kansas City has some of the right pieces on both sides of the ball. They are going the right direction and will improve for the next few years under GM Scott Pioli.
Alisberg Evaluation: B+
Who are they? Clifford Franklin, The Replacements. The Chiefs are the guy who can get into the right place at the right time but can’t come up with the big play. Coach Todd Haley is doing a great job; this team has made a lot of progress.
29. Tennessee Titans
What I Thought: The Titans would be hindered by the loss of Albert Haynesworth and the fatigue of quarterback Kerry Collins. The Titans would still win games with their 1-2 punch at running back with Chris Johnson and LenDale White. Tennessee would get close to the playoffs but not be any real threat to winning any games in January. I projected the Titans to finish around .500.
What I Think: There are a lot of problems in Tennessee. The Titans do not have a competent quarterback or anybody close to replacing Haynesworth. One of those problems can be fixed, however, as Tennessee looks like a Top 5 draft choice is a real possibility.
Alisberg Evaluation: D+
Who are they? Michigan Wolverines ca. September 2, 2007. My how the mighty have fallen. The seven game losing streak (playoff game against Baltimore included) on the heels of a 13-3 season is just like Michigan’s collapse against Appalachian State.
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
What I Thought: Tampa Bay could keep games close with a running game featuring Cadillac Williams, Earnest Graham, and the third best running back from the Giants’ Earth Wind and Fire trio. Tampa Bay’s defense, however, wouldn’t be able to stop a broken clock. The Bucs would suffer the consequences of a terrible decision in firing Jon Gruden and finish dead last in the NFC South.
What I Think: Pretty much everything I thought preseason, minus the success running the ball because of Tampa Bay’s awful offensive line. Josh Johnson brings me back to the days of Shaun King. He’s a better quarterback and deserves more credit.
Alisberg Evaluation: B
Who are they? That Stereotypical College Political Activist. The Glazer family must have thought Raheem Morris could do a better job than Jon Gruden. Gruden, who somehow took a really bad team to a 6-2 record in the beginning of last season, made sure that Tampa Bay showed up to be competitive every week. Morris has had a chance in exactly one game to date. Just as the Bucs front office labeled last season a choke and figured some change had to be made, the stereotypical college political activist put an unqualified Socialist who probably couldn’t make a C in an Intro to Economics course in the White House.
27. Oakland Raiders
What I Thought: The Raiders offense would make great strides this year. As a team, Oakland would average well over 100 yards per game and finish 2nd in the AFC West with a record of about 6-10. JaMarcus Russell would make strides with a downfield threat in Darrius Heyward-Bey and look like a poor man’s Donovan McNabb.
What I Think: The Raiders Giants game of two weeks ago reminded me of the South Park episode in which the Colorado Avalanche destroy a bunch of elementary school kids, though I think the elementary school team put up a better fight. The Raiders are a joke and, as most teams prepare for a game on Sunday, the Raiders are preparing to learn whether or not their coach is facing charges for assault. There are some serious problems in Oakland. The Raiders are the worst 2-4 team I’ve seen in years.
Alisberg Evaluation: C+
Who are They? David Apolskis (Tweener), Prison Break. Tweener was an idiot who was in way over his head. He tried to talk tough but was manipulated by everyone from inmates to law enforcement. Tweener’s fate on a given day was decided almost exclusively by the mercy of the people he’s associating, just as Oakland’s success is best defined by whether their opponent shows up to play.
26. Detroit Lions
What I Thought: The Lions offense and defense would both be a little bit better than last season. I expected Detroit to finish around 4-12. I would’ve given Rod Marinelli another shot.
What I Think: What a difference a year makes. Detroit has yet to roll over for a full game as they did so often last season. Detroit’s offense has made great strides; even in the much improved NFC North. Stafford has made mistakes but impressed me. Jim Schwartz has brought life to this franchise that had reached the lowest of the lows. The defense is still not good enough to take even the biggest of point spreads.
Alisberg Evaluation: B-
Who are they? Rudy Ruettiger, Rudy. The Lions are far from a threat to do anything significant in the playoffs, or finish in the vicinity of .500 this year. Their improvement is still really fun to watch. Coming off of an 0-16 season, the Lions have become somewhat of a popular team to root for this year, just like Rudy became on Notre Dame.
25. Washington Redskins
What I Thought: The Redskins came into this season with the least talent on paper in the toughest division in football. QB Jason Campbell would finally have an impressive season this year. Albert Haynesworth and DeAngelo Hall would turn this defense into one of the most feared defenses in the league. Overall, Washington would end up snagging a Wild Card spot thanks to a softer schedule outside the division.
What I Think: The defense has been everything I’d expected. Washington ranks in the Top 5 in opponents yards per play, opponents yards per game, and opponents points per game. Of course, it doesn’t hurt when you haven’t faced an opponent coming into a game with even one win after 6 weeks. The offense, on the other hand, has been abysmal. The Redskins have no offensive line and thus cannot run or pass the ball. Cooley, Moss, Portis, and Randle-El should be much more successful. If Washington’s offense can at least become average, they will be a very dangerous team. They’ve played down to their competition in every game since Week 1. Let’s see if they can break that.
Alisberg Evaluation: D
Who are they? Sick Boy, Van Wilder. There is always something not working for the Redskins. Just as they appear to get some success passing the ball, Campbell throws an interception. It’s maddening. Let me add on to that by classifying Dan Snyder separately from the rest of the franchise. Dan Snyder is Evan from The Butterfly Effect. Snyder keeps thinking that he can fix everything by changing just a little something about the franchise, only to make the franchise look worse. His actions have led to a clever article from The Onion making fun of just how bad they are. Snyder needs to relinquish his controlling share of the team; the man does not understand how to build a winning football team. Removing play-calling duties from Jim Zorn won’t help. Zorn is a great play-caller, if anything, that should be his one role with the team.
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